Je Ne Parle Par Francais

When I was 19 years old, I went to Paris. I did all the things you’re supposed to do when you’re in Paris – at least, all of the free things. I ate snails, I saw the Eiffel Tower, or Tour de Eiffel, if you will ( I know French things); I saw the Moulin Rouge; I visited Pierre La Chase cemetery, the Louvre, Notre Dame, the Tuileries, Versailles. And I did it all while pressing through crowds of tourists, the nasal whine of over-privileged American teenagers piercing the summer haze.

But do you know what I remember most vividly about those few days in Paris? An antique chair sitting in a shop window in Montmartre, with a wheel of rotating artificial tongues in the seat like an anatomical ferris wheel.

And it’s still there, friends.

Eight years later, I was in the city of love with Buckle. We went to Versailles, ate pistachios and pretended to appreciate history. We went to the Musée de l'Orangerie, ate ice cream and pretended to appreciate art. We went to Le Musée des Arts Forains and rode a penny farthing carousel.

Ours was an epic journey across Paris consuming all foodstuffs in our path and leaving only crumbs in our bloated wake, the last syllables of “Do you have an English menu?” still ringing in the air. If the French call the orgasm ‘the little death,’ what is that moment of quiet reflection  after you’ve inhaled a plate of potatoes roasted in rosemary and duck fat?

A Notable Absence

Another notable absence- the scoundrel! – but hear me out, why don’t you? We moved country. We moved time zones, continents, hemispheres. We arrived from the bright, eternally effervescent sunshine of Queensland to London for reasons unknown. Because the option was there, and why not?

Seizing opportunities, we made a couple of stops during our transatlantic travel. The first destination was chosen out of convenience more than any sense of exotic wanderlust. Is there an international flight out of Australia without a stop over in Singapore? We stayed in a converted opera house in the middle of Chinatown and swooned under the humid vibrancy of the heaving street life.

The evening we arrived, Buckle was on a quest to consume as many dumplings as his puny mortal vessel would hold. Tim Ho Wan is the cheapest Michelin star restaurant in the world, and therefore the only Michelin star restaurant the likes of me will ever be welcome. Famous for dumplings, their menu is a pictorial encyclopaedia of the little bundles of warm, delicious joy.

Obviously, you can’t visit Singapore without eating at least one chilli crab. Even people picked up by immigration at the airport are fed a spicy crustacean before being forcible ejected from the country. And understandably, because chilli crab is everything. Everything. Fragrant and juicy, it leaves your mouth tingling and your lips numb

We caught a taxi across the city to visit the Singapore Botanic Gardens. Like Dubai, and other young business centres, Singapore is filled with strange architectural trophies-come-skyscrapers. Misshapen altars built to the gods of economy.

The gardens sat in the middle of it all – nestled amongst the concrete and smog. Stream rose off the plants and settled in our lungs as we watched the orchids, hanging from their stalks, dance in the breeze like delicate marionettes. All except one little pot of brown and maroon flowers sitting on a stump, with a little plaque reading, “Lady Margaret Thatcher.” I heard once that children grow into their names and it must certainly also be true of flowers because those orchids had the look of a plant planning some strict reforms.

Cruelty-free: My Favourite Nail Polish Brands

My cruelty-free deadline has come and gone, and one of the products I have anguished over the most have been nail polishes. How can something comprised entirely of noxious chemicals possibly be cruelty-free?
My nail polish collection is... extensive. Sickeningly so. But, in my mind at least, calling it a hobby makes it acceptable, so let's leave it at that. I've given up OPI, Chanel, Rimmel, and China Glaze to name but a few, and while I haven't thrown out the existing offenders in my collection, I have stopped buying from these brands.

So, without any pomp or ceremony, here are my top ten cruelty-free nail polish brands (in no particular order) based on formula and colour range:

1. Zoya - Zoya polishes are hard to come by outside of America but their polishes have a great consistency and come in variety of colours and finishes.

2. Australis - Australia is an Australian makeup brand and although I haven't tried a great deal of their makeup, I rate their polishes - they're an affordable option and last up to a week on my nails without chipping.

3. Deborah Lippmann - Another American brand which can be difficult to find but these high end polishes are beautiful.

4. Nubar - A lesser known brand but equal to more popular brands in quality and formula.

5. Color Club - These polishes are really inexpensive, even taking into account the extra expense of purchasing them online. Hundreds of colours and the cream formulas perform very nicely indeed.

6. Models Own - I love these polishes - they're cheap and cheerful.

7. Lime Crime - Say what you will about Lime Crime (and there is plenty to say) I do like their nail polishes. Their polishes are very opaque.

8. Butter London - I love Butter London's approach to beauty - tongue-in-cheek and top quality. In my humble opinion, they do the best glitter polishes going.

9. Illamasqua - Beautiful, long-wearing, fun. These are certainly at the higher end of the price spectrum but the quality matches the price.

10. Nails Inc - Baker Street is one of my favourite colours of nail polish ever. I find some of their polishes give off quite a pungent odour, but if you can handle the smell, you cannot go past these polishes.

If you would like to go cruelty-free but struggling to figure out what's what, you can find a fairly comprehensive list of cruelty-free and vegan nail polish brands here.

Tropical Palm Nail Tutorial

Tropical palm print has reached saturation point, and being naturally suspicious of the longevity of such a huge trend (also, it just ain't my bag - I'm rely more of the teddy-girl-come-polshed-punk type myself), I decided the closest I would get to the tropic trend would be my nails.

What you'll need:

• White nail polish - I used OPI's Alpine Snow;
• Light green nail polish or striper;
• Medium green nail polish or striper;
• Dark green nail polish or striper;
• Yellow nail polish or striper; and
• Thin brush (if you don't own striper polishes)

Obviously, the first thing to do is apply two coats of your white base.

With the light green polish, paint a couple of leaves along the edges of the nail.

The next step is essentially the same - using the remaining green shades to create more leaves (some overlapping) in varying sizes and shapes.

Use the white polish and contrasting shades of green and yellow to create veining and dimension on the leaves - lines of lighter colours where the sun would hit the surface of the leaf and darker shades to create depth and shadow.

Easy. Just repeat nine times and you are the epitome of tropical chic or something.

Love & Loathe

Love and loathe are strong words, but let's indulge in a little hyperbole while I discuss something I like and something that has driven me to my wit's end. I had high hopes for both Smashbox's Santigolden Age palette in Apocolypse Now and Bobbi Brown's gel liner in Cobalt Ink, but which is the living end and which product's failure to perform was a personal insult?

The Love: Smashbox's recent release in collaboration with Santigold is a collection of brightly coloured Aztec-inspired palettes, pencils and lip glosses. I picked up the eyeshadow palette in Apocolyse Now because who needs another neutral palette, am I right? 

The shadows are incredibly pigmented, and although they are daring colours, they can be blended out to a sheer wash of shimmer. The black is particularly smooth and pigmented - easily the best black eyeshadow I've encountered. I was hesitant that the shimmery golden orange, despite its beauty, would be of little use to me, but it is perfect to add a little warmth to the outer v and, used lightly, is really more of a warm gold. My only gripe is that the pinky champagne shade which comprises the right snake eye is so small.

The Loathe: I was in need of a new navy gel eyeliner recently. Now, I could have gone to MAC - I have a few fluidlines and I like them - but I thought, "No, you can do better than MAC." Everyone is always banging on about Bobbi Brown's long wearing gel liner so I googled some swatches of Cobalt Ink and decided that was the one for me.

The colour is a beautiful rich matte navy. That's the only redeeming feature of this liner. It is so dry. So. Dry. It's impossible to get a smooth line. It is nigh on impossible to create a smooth, clean line and when I tried to go over the line to even it out it completely flaked off. I've tried different brushes, I tried warming up the product, I tried spraying my brush with a little Fix +; nothing. The catastrophic failure of this liner after the positive reviews I read is like a betrayal. It's maddening - is it just me, or is it truly woeful?

My search for a navy gel liner continues...

Now Playing: The Horrors - Luminous

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I never thought I would ever write such a thing but The Horrors have recorded a pop album. Luminous is just that - a sparking luminescent pop gem. When I listen to this album, I hear The Stones Roses. Incase you were wondering, that's a good thing.

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I eagerly await each Horrors release for the mere fact that they are a band who truly understand what it is to evolve. Remember Sheena is a Parasite? Remember when they had stage names like Faris Rotter and Spider Webb? I lie to think I wasn't the only one who found much of their debut nigh on unlistenable but it's so easy to forgive when each subsequent album has been  like golden light pressed into a compact disc. Chasing Shadows is the song you play on repeat when you're alone, it's grey and you're missing the one you love; and I physically cannot stop listening to Jealous Sun. It's a condition.

Sit in the sun, close your eyes and listen to this record.

Ombre Leopard Nail Art Tutorial

Leopard print is the nail enthusiast's bread and butter. It's my go to design when I'm pressed for time or just feeling lazy (which is the case more often than not). It's quick and requires little to no technical skills, and it can look chic or terrifically garish depending on your choice of polish and the size of the leopard spots.

What you'll need:

• Two shades of nail polish - one a few shades lighter than the other - I used a fuchsia (Australis' Bombshell) and a dark blue-based purple (Color Club's Disco Dress)
• Makeup sponge
• Aluminium foil
• Black nail art pen, striper polish or polish and thin brush

Obviously you need to start by painting your nails your base colour, which will be the lighter of the two polishes.

Place a few drops of your dark polish on a piece of aluminium foil (this will prevent the polish from drying up too quickly). Dip your sponge into the polish and dab off the excess polish before patting it onto the bottom half of your nails.

Repeat this step, but this time only on the bottom third of your nails to create a graduated ombre effect.

Finally, to create the leopard spots use your nail art pen, striper polish, or polish and thin brush (what-have-you) to draw wonky, disconnected circles, semi circles and spots of differing sizes all over your nail. There's really no method to it - the more hap-hazard the better - neatly disorganised is the goal, really.

And that's all there is to it. Plenty more obvious nail art tutorials in the pipe so enjoy!